NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.