No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*