No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
what day is it?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.