“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*


Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.


Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*


A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.


Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.


Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for


I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.


We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.