No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
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Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.