no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
What flavor cupcake are these
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.