“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!