Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JJSummertime

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

@RickAaron

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

@noog

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

@teen_news69

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

@junejuly12

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

@WheelTod

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

@electrolemon

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

@jonnysun

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken