No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

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Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.


I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.


Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO


PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*


Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.


Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.



Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins


yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose


*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken