No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
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I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
*seductively corrects your posture*
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.