“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
You Might Also Like
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Posting this on behalf of a friend