no!! no!!!!!!
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What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.