“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
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[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.