No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
me hooking up with my ex
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.