No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.