@BoneChocolates

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

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@Alex_Houseof308

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

@traciebreaux

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

@murrman5

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@Book_Krazy

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

@Jandalize

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

@soulindivision

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.