No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
You Might Also Like
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
just witnessed a drug deal
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I did not eat the cake…
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
respect
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Not helping
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by