No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines


The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.


I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break


Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.


How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue


I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.


She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.


Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”


I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.