No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.