No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I love the National Park Service.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.