No one can handle that
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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
necessity is the mother of invention
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.