No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Möther may I have a snäck
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Natural selection at its finest
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Netflix and awkward silence?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.