No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
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That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired