@Contwixt

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

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@NeilBensch

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@SortaBad

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@fro_vo

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

@causticbob

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

@FormerHumorist

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

@JasonCarney31

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

@LostCatDog

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread