No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
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Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.