no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant