No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
inventing words: clothing
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter