No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Left at a local drug store…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.