No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
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ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold