No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
You Might Also Like
I hope it’s French Onion!
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!