No one girl should have all that power. 馃槀
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I鈥檓 a pancake in that I鈥檓 attracted to all cakes equally.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I鈥檓 surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.