No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
You Might Also Like
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
this has done me in for some reason
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
the icebreaker
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?