No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: