@lisaxy424

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

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@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@xoMISSYox

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

@sixfootcandy

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

@Silver_nmm

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

@iamdevloper

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

@mompsychologist

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

@noog

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@wildrainbow2

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

@Marlebean

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn