No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You Might Also Like
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!