No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
me after drinking all the wine:
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”