No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.