No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
You Might Also Like
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
True freaking story!
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently