No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
❤️🦆
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots