no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
You Might Also Like
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …