No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Okey dokey.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
not seeing the problem