No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.