No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
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I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.