No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes