No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
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Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!