no one likes gloating

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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere


*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!


A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together


Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*


You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.


Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37


when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again


And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.