no one likes gloating
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond