I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.