No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.