No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned