When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans
None that I can think of
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Juliet: OR AM I…
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
[hole opens in the ground]
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.