No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.