@CrockettForReal

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

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@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

@MumInBits

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

@Laser_Cat

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

@kidnappedagain

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

@panmidwest

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

@notacroc

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

@Whiskey_Dixon

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

@claire_mudie

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.

@ben_watt

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

@Elizasoul80

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.