No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”


5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*


*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.


Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?


GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it


[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent


Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….


Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.


Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’


Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.