No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Mood.. 😂
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
#Caturday
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?