@papiNocta

No one :

Me when I swimming :

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@UTHBOMB99

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

@Spaziotwat

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

@nekolot

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

@ShaunRightNow

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

@jlestos

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

@Home_Halfway

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

@GillHall27

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.