No one :
Me when I swimming :
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.