No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.