No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Breaking news:
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I’m aging like a fine banana
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.