No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”