No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.