No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
#polloftheday
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”