No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.